Yours truly,
Old for a Dad
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
John Do'h! refers to baby's milk as "Shut-up Juice", wife not amused
In local news, John D'oh!, haggard and edgy after a long day scrambling around taking care of his 7 mo. old son and young dog (who appears to be developing some mental problems), referred to his baby's milk as 'Shut-up juice.'
The baby was screaming in his high-chair when Mr. D'oh! grabbed the bottle and playfully said "Here, buddy, have a little Shut-up juice."
There was little if no reaction from his wife.
Mr. D'oh! proceeded to point out that it was kind of funny, sighed and put his head in his hand knowing the bedtime sequence had just begun.
Later that evening Mr. D'oh! fell asleep on the couch while watching Girls on HBO.
"It wasn't a very good one," he was quoted as saying the next morning.
The baby was screaming in his high-chair when Mr. D'oh! grabbed the bottle and playfully said "Here, buddy, have a little Shut-up juice."
There was little if no reaction from his wife.
Mr. D'oh! proceeded to point out that it was kind of funny, sighed and put his head in his hand knowing the bedtime sequence had just begun.
Later that evening Mr. D'oh! fell asleep on the couch while watching Girls on HBO.
"It wasn't a very good one," he was quoted as saying the next morning.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Retirement: If a racehorse can be put out to stud, why can't you?
Hi all (meaning nobody),
from our Retirement page
Q: If a racehorse can be put out to stud, why can't you?
A: Because you're not a horse and life isn't fair anyway.
1) You're hung like a horse
2) You're shiny
3) Chick horses dig you
4) You're fast
5) You're hung like a horse
CONS
1) If you break your leg they shoot you
2) A midget sits on your back and beats you senseless
3) Buck teeth
4) No thumbs, hands, arms or fingers
5) Your midlife crisis happens when you're 4
But let's get serious for a moment, shall we?
Shrinking nest eggs, working into your 70s, lowering your standard of living. Isn't it enough to have a midlife crisis? We have to have an economic one too?
from our Retirement page
Q: If a racehorse can be put out to stud, why can't you?
A: Because you're not a horse and life isn't fair anyway.
After
a few years of running in races and looking cool they 'retire' by being
put to pasture and get to have sex with a bunch of receptive females.
Not bad.
Of course, it's not all a run for the roses. Check the Pros and Cons of being a horse...
PROS
2) You're shiny
3) Chick horses dig you
4) You're fast
5) You're hung like a horse
CONS
2) A midget sits on your back and beats you senseless
3) Buck teeth
4) No thumbs, hands, arms or fingers
5) Your midlife crisis happens when you're 4
But let's get serious for a moment, shall we?
Shrinking nest eggs, working into your 70s, lowering your standard of living. Isn't it enough to have a midlife crisis? We have to have an economic one too?
It doesn't take a corrupt
Wall Street hedge fund manager to tell you that it's tougher to retire
during an economic crisis. The markets are down and your retirement
accounts have lost a substantial amount of their value. Every day
brings a new surprise, with stocks and mutual funds bouncing from highs
to lows in a single day. Plus, we had to sit through those senate
hearing with the likes of Goldman Sachs. Yech...
You want to retire. You've worked hard and sacrificed to get to this point.
Now's the time to enjoy a little FREEDOM!
(insert picture of Braveheart here)
The recession and the sluggish
economy that followed have been blamed for causing untold numbers of
60-somethings to postpone their retirement and continue working.
Many would-be retirees blame themselves for not having enough money to
retire. Many look back on their savings habits and realize they made a
series of mistakes that ended up dramatically shrinking their retirement
nest eggs.
And as always...
Blah-G,
John D'oh!
Sunday, February 24, 2013
OSCARS, uh...who cares but I'll watch it anyway
Hi all,
Got the little guy to sleep sans wife -she went to Oscar party- so I'm pretty proud of myself.
It was a little touch and go there for a minute, thought he was going to have a meltdown night based on his nap routine today which got a little messed up. Will have to keep fingers crossed.
Re. the Oscars: I really couldn't care less but I'll wind up watching some of it anyway.
Same thing happens every year: I swear I'll never watch again because by the time it's over I'm bored to death or sleeping or stewing in my jealousy (why? I don't know. I suppose it has to do with some peripheral dreams of somehow becoming an actor or writer so it's tough to watch beautiful rich people get more famous and adored).
Oh well.
Another good reason to watch is kinda sorta semi-hoping someone trips and lands square on their chin in front of 4 billion people.
Schaudenfreude,
John D'oh!
Got the little guy to sleep sans wife -she went to Oscar party- so I'm pretty proud of myself.
It was a little touch and go there for a minute, thought he was going to have a meltdown night based on his nap routine today which got a little messed up. Will have to keep fingers crossed.
Re. the Oscars: I really couldn't care less but I'll wind up watching some of it anyway.
Same thing happens every year: I swear I'll never watch again because by the time it's over I'm bored to death or sleeping or stewing in my jealousy (why? I don't know. I suppose it has to do with some peripheral dreams of somehow becoming an actor or writer so it's tough to watch beautiful rich people get more famous and adored).
Oh well.
Another good reason to watch is kinda sorta semi-hoping someone trips and lands square on their chin in front of 4 billion people.
Schaudenfreude,
John D'oh!
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Picking up quarters with 'Swag'
Hi all,
First of all, it took me a long time to even know what 'swag' was. For those of you who do not, it's when kids (teens and 20s) wear their pants so low you can see half (sometimes more) of their ass.
Before I knew what it was called I knew it was beyond ridiculous. I don't even care to guess what it's supposed to signify but I have a hunch it's meant to be cool.
Picture this: walking the dog behind a group of late teen ruffians in the big city and having one of them - with tremendous swag - stop, bend over and pick up a quarter. I'll leave the rest to your imagination and suffice it to say it's going to take me awhile for the revulsion to dwindle away.
Outside of it being just plain annoying and beyond the fact that most of these kids aren't the most - how do i say this - hygienically evolved of the species what the hell do they do if someone is chasing them down the street? How can a person run?
That being said it's obvious that it's not an evolutionarily stable strategy, i.e. you will get run down and if so probably have a good chance of being beaten to a pulp or worse.
Like our friend Barack said after his '08 campaign: "Brothers need to pull their pants up."
I couldn't agree more.
Blah-g,
John D'oh!
First of all, it took me a long time to even know what 'swag' was. For those of you who do not, it's when kids (teens and 20s) wear their pants so low you can see half (sometimes more) of their ass.
Before I knew what it was called I knew it was beyond ridiculous. I don't even care to guess what it's supposed to signify but I have a hunch it's meant to be cool.
Picture this: walking the dog behind a group of late teen ruffians in the big city and having one of them - with tremendous swag - stop, bend over and pick up a quarter. I'll leave the rest to your imagination and suffice it to say it's going to take me awhile for the revulsion to dwindle away.
Outside of it being just plain annoying and beyond the fact that most of these kids aren't the most - how do i say this - hygienically evolved of the species what the hell do they do if someone is chasing them down the street? How can a person run?
That being said it's obvious that it's not an evolutionarily stable strategy, i.e. you will get run down and if so probably have a good chance of being beaten to a pulp or worse.
Like our friend Barack said after his '08 campaign: "Brothers need to pull their pants up."
I couldn't agree more.
Blah-g,
John D'oh!
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Learning to Blog...but I ain't got wings
Good morning all,
It's your fearful leader here, John D'oh!
Notice I changed 'fearless' to 'fearful'. That's because I've decided to be honest...today I'm meeting with a potentially new accountant.
Anyway, with the help of my social media savvy wife I'm learning to Twitter and Blog (in my case Blah-g).
There sure are a lot of things to take care of when starting a new website etc., especially if you haven't done it before.
I remember the days when the internet to me just meant e-mail. If I had 3 emails in a week I thought it was a big deal.
I said to myself "I can keep in touch with everybody at least once a week!" Now I get about 125 emails a day on several different accounts.
Oy to the Vey, it gets hard to keep track of. Especially if one isn't as organized as one should be.
Hope all's well out there fellow travelers.
Talk later,
John D'oh!
It's your fearful leader here, John D'oh!
Notice I changed 'fearless' to 'fearful'. That's because I've decided to be honest...today I'm meeting with a potentially new accountant.
Anyway, with the help of my social media savvy wife I'm learning to Twitter and Blog (in my case Blah-g).
There sure are a lot of things to take care of when starting a new website etc., especially if you haven't done it before.
I remember the days when the internet to me just meant e-mail. If I had 3 emails in a week I thought it was a big deal.
I said to myself "I can keep in touch with everybody at least once a week!" Now I get about 125 emails a day on several different accounts.
Oy to the Vey, it gets hard to keep track of. Especially if one isn't as organized as one should be.
Hope all's well out there fellow travelers.
Talk later,
John D'oh!
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Oy to the Vey
I'm tellin' ya fellas, it's been a tough week.
The dog drama has continued. I'm not sure what his problem is but he keeps getting into trouble. This past weekend, we took the opportunity to give him a little vacation by sending him upstate with his best friend (yes, another dog) and her owner to a cabin in the mountains.
He'd been there before and had the time of his life. Poor guy has to sit in an apartment in the city all day long (although I try to walk him 4 times a day). Long story short he was missing in the dark for four hours, we thought the coyotes got him.
More stress. That's the last thing I need.
At 11:30 the human called and said the dogs finally came home, covered in mud and freezing. But thank God. I was preparing myself for the worst.
Your fearless leader,
John D'oh
The dog drama has continued. I'm not sure what his problem is but he keeps getting into trouble. This past weekend, we took the opportunity to give him a little vacation by sending him upstate with his best friend (yes, another dog) and her owner to a cabin in the mountains.
He'd been there before and had the time of his life. Poor guy has to sit in an apartment in the city all day long (although I try to walk him 4 times a day). Long story short he was missing in the dark for four hours, we thought the coyotes got him.
More stress. That's the last thing I need.
At 11:30 the human called and said the dogs finally came home, covered in mud and freezing. But thank God. I was preparing myself for the worst.
Your fearless leader,
John D'oh
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Beuller?
Beuller? Anyone?
So it's been a crazy week for John D'oh!
His poor dog got attacked at the park by a small female pitbull who nearly chewed his face off. Somehow he escaped with just a few scratches. I don't get it. The dog had his neck in a deathlock for almost a minute. I really thought there'd be a flap like the semi-decomposed walking dead corpse of Griffin Dunne when he show's up at the theater in An American Werewolf in London.
The dog gods must have been looking over my precious little guy that day, he didn't even have to go to the vet. I did, however, want to kill the knucklehead who is allowing that crazy mutt to roam around offleash.
Later that evening, on his night walk, he managed to find a full-on buffalo wing in the gutter. At first I thought it was just a chunk of italian bread but then realized he was having trouble scarfing it down (not that I let him eat junk of the ground but i was tired) so upon further examination I discovered said wing. Long story short, he drew blood on my index finger...a lot of it.
It wasn't intentional, he's a great dog, but it was a back molar and with all that leverage he managed to strike oil.
That was a shitty day to say the least.
Cut to a week later.
My 7 mo. old son gets a few shots and is miserable all day then my wife manages to practically chop her finger off with the food processor and has to go to the emergency room (my diagnosis) whereupon she receives 8 stitches.
Let's hope this little wave of bad luck has passed.
Your fearless leader,
John D'oh!
So it's been a crazy week for John D'oh!
His poor dog got attacked at the park by a small female pitbull who nearly chewed his face off. Somehow he escaped with just a few scratches. I don't get it. The dog had his neck in a deathlock for almost a minute. I really thought there'd be a flap like the semi-decomposed walking dead corpse of Griffin Dunne when he show's up at the theater in An American Werewolf in London.
The dog gods must have been looking over my precious little guy that day, he didn't even have to go to the vet. I did, however, want to kill the knucklehead who is allowing that crazy mutt to roam around offleash.
Later that evening, on his night walk, he managed to find a full-on buffalo wing in the gutter. At first I thought it was just a chunk of italian bread but then realized he was having trouble scarfing it down (not that I let him eat junk of the ground but i was tired) so upon further examination I discovered said wing. Long story short, he drew blood on my index finger...a lot of it.
It wasn't intentional, he's a great dog, but it was a back molar and with all that leverage he managed to strike oil.
That was a shitty day to say the least.
Cut to a week later.
My 7 mo. old son gets a few shots and is miserable all day then my wife manages to practically chop her finger off with the food processor and has to go to the emergency room (my diagnosis) whereupon she receives 8 stitches.
Let's hope this little wave of bad luck has passed.
Your fearless leader,
John D'oh!
Monday, February 11, 2013
Blahg
Hello fellow MAMers,
You probably don't know this but Middle-agedman.com started out as a lark and quickly grew into the juggernaut of internet love you now see before you.
We weren't super psyched about Blogging and our inside joke was "It's not a Blog, it's a Blah-g!" but we're quickly discovering that blogging is kind of fun.
Watch, next post will probably be in 35 days and then that will be it...NOT!
We're not gonna let that happen Brave Travelers.
Don't forget to comment and send in suggestions, this is a fun site.
Your truly,
John D'oh!
You probably don't know this but Middle-agedman.com started out as a lark and quickly grew into the juggernaut of internet love you now see before you.
We weren't super psyched about Blogging and our inside joke was "It's not a Blog, it's a Blah-g!" but we're quickly discovering that blogging is kind of fun.
Watch, next post will probably be in 35 days and then that will be it...NOT!
We're not gonna let that happen Brave Travelers.
Don't forget to comment and send in suggestions, this is a fun site.
Your truly,
John D'oh!
D'oh by John D'oh
D'oh! We don't even know how to use our own Blog yet. Our fearless leader John D'oh! accidentally posted his latest blog as a comment, not an actual post. What an idiot.
COMING SOON:
We've decided to add a Brain Drain page to the Mental Health section which will focus on our declining mental capacities as we age...NOT! There's a lot of new science out there that posits that new neural pathways can still be developed long after they initially believed. Great news for us!
Anyhow, here was the previous post:
Hi everyone,
Since we have a small team of crack individuals over here at MAM, we've decided the best way to write this Blog is to tag-team it amongst ourselves. Our fearless leader John D'oh! will probably man the lion's share of posts but from time to time don't be surprised if a few other crazy cats pipe in with their own unique perspectives. Right now we're trying to get a commitment from our Financial Guru and our spiritual advisor who goes by the moniker Sergeant Lama: he's a stickler...for transcendence!
Anyhow, we hope middle-age is treating you well and as always: LET'S WIN IT IN THE 2nd HALF!!!
COMING SOON:
We've decided to add a Brain Drain page to the Mental Health section which will focus on our declining mental capacities as we age...NOT! There's a lot of new science out there that posits that new neural pathways can still be developed long after they initially believed. Great news for us!
Anyhow, here was the previous post:
Hi everyone,
Since we have a small team of crack individuals over here at MAM, we've decided the best way to write this Blog is to tag-team it amongst ourselves. Our fearless leader John D'oh! will probably man the lion's share of posts but from time to time don't be surprised if a few other crazy cats pipe in with their own unique perspectives. Right now we're trying to get a commitment from our Financial Guru and our spiritual advisor who goes by the moniker Sergeant Lama: he's a stickler...for transcendence!
Anyhow, we hope middle-age is treating you well and as always: LET'S WIN IT IN THE 2nd HALF!!!
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